To work or not to work, that is the question

I had long planned to be a stay at home mom.  I remember talking to Matt during some particularly stressful times in college telling him it didn't matter that I was learning all this stuff because I was going to be a SAHM and this stuff wouldn't matter.  I'm glad I have my degree (even though the program could really have been shortened by...about 2 years.  I took so many classes I don't remember the subject, much less anything taught), especially since I was able to use it for almost 8 years. 

For the first few years of marriage we talked about how I would stay home once we had kids.  Given that that's how we had both grown up it seemed only natural.  Then the longer the babywait drug on the more we started talked about me working part time once we had kids.  It'd be nice to have a little extra spending money especially for vacations, when we had to replace a car, etc.  We knew we could live fine on Matt's income but a little extra wouldn't hurt.  I also completely surprised myself by wanting to keep some sort of career.  I wasn't a highly ambitious person but knew I had learned a lot working full-time and wanted to keep up some of my skills.  We didn't really talk about how much or child care.

Then it came time for me to quit and be replaced.  I ended up still working part-time (~20 hours a week) until we got Luke and then I was mostly done.  There was one client I had been outsourced to do bookeeping for and when I told my boss I would eventually be staying home , I specifically asked if I could stay on with that client.  At the time it was only 3-4 hours every other week which seemed about perfect for working part-time.

So after bringing Luke home I was actually back to work before Matt was.  I continued going every 2-3 weeks for the next 8 months, about 3 hours at a time.  I always scheduled it when Matt was home (random days off or downsized half days) or when my Mom could watch Luke.  It was kinda a pain figuring out sitters every other week but it worked out mostly ok.  As much as I may have dreaded going in, once I got there it felt like stretching my brain to think about non-parenting things.  To go back to debits, credits, reconciling, etc.  It was really nice to talk about something other than baby.

My golly, I feel guilty even writing that.  But I'll come back to that.  As schedules got busier it got harder to coordinate days between my Mom & I.  Matt & I talked about me quitting quite often.  3 hours every other week shouldn't be a big deal but it was turning into more stress than I wanted.  It wasn't worth what I was being paid to deal with it, even though I liked keeping a foot in the field.

Then around Thanksgiving, right when we were really talking about me quitting, the client offered to hire me directly (this whole time they were paying my old firm who was then paying me a fraction of that) and wanted to know if I could work more.  I was excited talking about the possibilities with them, more things I could do, how much easier to stay on top of the books if I was there every week.  Then I came home...and realized how much it would suck working out sitters every week when I was already stressing about every other.  Matt & I talked about it.  I had phone conversations, e-mails, and texts with both my boss at my old firm and boss at the client's office.  We talked to various family members about watching Luke once every 3-4 weeks. We seemed to be working it out. 

And the guilt set in.  I questioned why I'd want to be away from Luke that much (yes, 3 1/2 hours a week) and why I felt I had to do this.  We didn't need the money.  We had been so adamant about one of us being with Luke the vast majority of the time (besides the occasional date night and my few doctor appointments & hair cuts that require sitters).  Sure, it'd be nice to keep my foot in the door, keep my skills up but for what?  Giving up some of the precious years with our son?  He's only home so many before he's off to school.  While figuring out ways to make it work I was still wrestling internally with why I should even be doing this.  We like to be pretty self-sufficient and neither of us are big fans of asking for help.

Sure, asking someone to watch him for an hour so I can go to the dentist is no big deal.  He might need a bottle but nothing that happens in an hour is going to throw off his schedule too much.  Almost 4 hours is half a day, requiring 1-2 bottles, 1-2 diaper changes, and probably a nap.  It means explaining our schedule to other people.  Letting other people into our home (honestly, this still kinda freaks me out a little).  We are only asking family but I still didn't like it.  We waited so long for Luke and now I felt horrible for wanting and planning on being away from him.

But on the other hand...I knew some times I could really use a mental break.  It's nice to have a day a week I'm not in sweats, guaranteed to leave the house (I know an easy solution to this is just to wear something besides sweats when I'm home but I haven't gotten there yet.)  It's nice when people ask me for help, with something besides diaper changing or bottle making.  It's nice to feel smart about something, especially something I did for 8 years.  And it is nice to keep up my accounting skills.  I'm already behind on taxes since those are constantly changing but I can keep up my bookkeeping skills.  My old boss has expressed interest in hiring me back part-time, eventually, when I'm ready to work more (I told him it'd be at least 5 years, until Luke is in school but hopefully longer since we want more kids.).

This internal struggle is something I never even considered before we had Luke and I know this is a pretty common struggle for many parents.  Staying home means you miss out on job opportunities, working means you miss out on a lot of time with your kid(s) and some of their milestones.  I always thought staying home full-time would be such an easy answer.  But it's not.  I never thought I'd have any big career plans and I still really don't.  But it's hard to completely give up what I spent 12 years learning (4 in college and 8 working). 


I know we are lucky in that this is even an option for us.  There are plenty of parents who both have to work, that staying home isn't an option.  And I'm lucky that I had this part-time job kinda lined up more than a year before we got Luke.  And being apart from him less than 4 hours a week really isn't a big deal.  I'm with him almost all his waking hours otherwise. 

So I have sitters lined up for the next 5 weeks, I filled out paperwork to make me a new employee.  I start today.  We'll see how this goes, working every week.  I'm a little excited but also kinda dreading it.