Book Love: The Secret to Happy Families by Bruce Feiler

I love starting out the year with reading some sort of self-improvement book (a list of 17 suggestions here!).  There's always a lot of grumbling about how useless resolutions are but I really find the fresh start feeling at the start of the year invigorating.  Especially coming off two weeks of being pretty lazy over Christmas break (my goal for all of break: as many days as possible of not leaving my house and therefore being able to wear yoga pants all day).  I also do so much rereading and novel reading in December that by January I am looking for some good non-fiction to learn something too.  Kinda like all those people who think they are going to miraculously eat a lot of vegetables in January after a diet of cookies in December (I have just accepted at this point in my life that I am never going to be a big vegetable eater, unless it's mashed potatoes).

So, all those things come together to have me looking for some non-fiction when planning my reading for January.  I'm not sure where I first saw this book but as soon as I did, I knew it would be perfect for January reading.  The Secret of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More by Bruce Feiler.  I want to think about all of those things, especially in January!  It was bookish serendipity.

I've read a decent amount of books on happy families which makes sense since managing my family is one of my primary duties at this stage of my life and I want us all to be reasonable happy.  There are always sticky parts in our days (school mornings, homework afternoons - see again how school is ruining my life even as I sit here enjoying a VERY quiet house with Luke at school and Sam napping so it didn't completely ruin my life.)

By about 50 pages into this book I wished I had bought a copy instead of borrowing from the library because there is so much I wanted to underline or highlight.  What stuck out to me the most is that the author was making changes to his own family with 5 year old twin daughters.  I often dismiss parenting advice in books thinking Luke, age 6¾, can't handle that kind of responsibility yet*.  Yet, here the author had his 5 year olds giving input on things I wouldn't have expected our almost 7 year old to handle.  It convinced me that we definitely can give him more and that he can and should have more input in how our family runs.

*And in some cases he can't - reading about how to handle curfews and your kids dating and screen time when they have their own gadgets doesn't apply to us yet but will before I know it.

The author talked to many different experts, with varying levels of expertise, covering a wide range of issues.  Such a members of the military for planning a family reunion (and reading about those kinda made me wish we had a big family reunion to attend!  But we don't and I think I'll be fine.)  There is a chapter of how to deal with Grandparents, no matter how wonderful and well-intended they may be!  About rethinking family vacations (which definitely has me scheming a little for the one I hope we are taking this summer), about being a good spectator at your kids' sporting events (I am not ready for that to become a part of our lives yet!  My precious schedule!).

One of my 20 in 2020 goals is to start giving Luke an allowance and in the midst of Matt and I having many discussions on the amount and what Luke should be allowed to do with it, I read a chapter in this book about teaching your kids good money sense following Warren Buffet's advice.  Well, that helped solve some of our discussions!  (As of writing this we still haven't given him an allowance BUT, there is a reason for that, from an idea I got from this book!)

My favorite chapters may have been the first couple - one about the importance of being Agile as a family.  Being agile is not one of my strong suits - I much prefer things to stay the same forever, please and thank you. BUT, my kids insist on growing and what they need keeps changing so we really do have to be agile.  As soon as I get used to one stage they are on to the next!  And I really wouldn't want them to stay the same forever, it's just a lot more constant change than our life seemed to have before kids.

Another early chapter was about making a Family Mission statement and including your kids in weekly family meetings.  We have not yet made a mission statement but just reading about the process and how it can guide all your family was really intriguing to me.  We are also 1/1 on having a weekly family meeting - something Matt and I have been doing for a few months but now including Luke (Sam too, but he doesn't have a lot to contribute yet).  Luke didn't have a lot to say yet but I am hopeful as we keep going he will eventually.  Just including him in more discussions about what worked in the prior week and what didn't, I think it will be helpful for his problem solving as he grows but also just to get his input now.  As we are constantly tweaking routines and habits, it's important to get his feedback as well!

I don't know that our family is any happier now than before I read this book, a couple weeks ago.  That's not a long enough time for any serious improvement.  But with our boys still relatively young, it's a perfect time to work on laying the foundation for the many stages we have ahead.  By giving Luke input now, I hope he'll see the value in talking with us before we get into the tough teenage years.  By giving them good money sense now, I hope they will turn out to be financially responsible adults.  And of course we want to fill them with lots of happy memories of a happy childhood.  One book can't change all that but it does help face us in the right directions with some solid ideas to start with.

I highly recommend this book to all parents with kids still at home!  Who doesn't want a happier family?