Thursday, September 10, 2015

The adoption struggle, it's real

It's hard to know what to say about the whole adoption thing on here because nobody likes to hear whining but there is also the "making my life always look awesome on the internet" thing.  Part of the reason I don't talk about adoption much is because there is nothing to talk about.  We don't hear much from our agencies unless we have paperwork to fill out or a payment due.  We go through good and bad days when it comes to the whole waiting thing.  A few things that have happened lately:

1) We found out that the social worker we've been with the last 3.5 years has left Catholic Charities because nothing much is happening there, adoption wise.  She's the first person we ever talked to about adoption, besides each other.  She did all three of our home study visits, two post placement visits.  She's the one who texted and e-mailed us in New York to tell us about Luke (I will keep that e-mail forever).  She was with us when we met Luke's birth mother and one of only five non-paid people at his finalization hearing (the other four being our parents).  We've asked her many questions, some completely out of the blue when we weren't even actively listed.  She's been a huge support for us and now has moved on.  That was tough news to take.  It feels like we lost our champion and main adoption support.

2) We've started looking at listing with more agencies, beyond the two we are already listed with, these in Indianapolis.  It's a bit of price tag sticker shock though.  We've gotten used to how the non-profits charge for adoption and looking at these for-profit's shocking.  One was $24,000 before attorney and medical expenses.  Another just gave a $25,000-35,000 range.  Even with the tax credit (capped around $13,000), it's very pricey.  $10,000 is nothing to sneeze at.  Obviously if Luke was hurt or got sick or we birthed a baby that needed expensive medical care, we'd pay it.  But this is asking for a lot of money with no guarantee of a child.  Some of those fees, over $10,000 would be due before a baby was even born, if you were placed with a pregnant birth mother.  Then she could change her mind and we'd be out that money with no chance at the tax credit.

It's hard/impossible to put a price on having a kid.  You want to be able to say you'd pay any amount but that's just not always feasible.  Then the thought of that is frustrating and I want to reconsider ever purchase we've made in our entire marriage.  How we could have done things differently if we knew we'd need $25,000+ to have a second kid.  (And we're pretty frugal to begin with.)

I got a call back from one of the agencies while I was at work last week.  I had just gotten a new work space, a desk to myself and was listening to my own music for the first time ever there.  After I hung up and got an e-mail outlining the fees, the song "There is A Way" by NewWorldson happened to be playing, specifically this part:
There is a way, there is a spark
There is a hope that you can hold on to
There is a lifeline come to the rescue
Just like a hand that's waiting for you
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way

I don't think that was random, even though that's how I had my phone set to play music. 

I was recently talking with a friend who is considering adoption and she told me that if God put this desire in our hearts for another kid then somehow He's going to come through.  I really try to believe that and trust but it can be really stinking hard some days.  We've had some tough weeks lately and are really trying to figure out what is next.  We are still officially listed with two agencies and hopefully can find some more with a reasonable fee schedule.  Until then we wait and pray and wait.

(My next post will be something much less to eat my second fudgesicle of the day...)

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