I personally just know life as one part of the "adoption triad". My sons know life as another part of the triad, even though Sam is definitely too young to explain feelings and Luke hasn't expressed many about it. So while I like talking to other adoptive parents, commiserating over paperwork and pregnancy comments that drive us batty, I am fascinated by the experience of birth mothers.
We met Luke's birth mother in the hospital but haven't seen or heard from her in 5½ years. Sam's is closed and we never met his birth mother and, I'd imagine, won't until he's at least 18 and might be able to find her on his own.
So reading about birth mothers, even fictional ones, is about as close as I can get to understanding their thoughts and what the adoption process is like for them.
And that might be a large reason why this book, Where We Belong by Emily Giffin appeals to me so much. I first read it after we started the adoption process but before we got Luke. I didn't know what it would be like to parent, much less parent a child we were adopting but I really enjoyed reading this.
This is my second reread since adopting and it still stirs up so many of those feelings. Largely, empathy for what birth mothers go through as well as what it might feel like to grow up adopted. We can talk to our sons about it all day long but we will never really know what it's like, if they feel lost or how often they think and wonder about their birth parents.
Kirby was born in Chicago to an 18-19 year old mother who knew for months she was going to place this baby up for adoption. She had gotten pregnant, accidentally (I assume most babies put up for adoption are not planned) the summer her birth parents graduated from high school. Her mom only told her mom, deferred college for a year, and gave birth to the little girl who would become Kirby. Her adoptive parents had been trying and waiting for years to become parents and were overjoyed at finally getting baby. You don't see much mention of Kirby's birth father in the decision to place her for adoption? Yeah, there is a reason for that.
The story jumps between the point of view of Kirby and Marian, her birth mother. You hear Marian and Conrad's (the birth father) love story when they were 18, how Kirby and Marian ended up where they are today, in present day where Kirby just turned 18 herself. Marian goes through all kinds of emotions as she decides what to do with this baby she is now pregnant with, how the baby doesn't fit in her plan for her life. How things in present day might not being going completely to her plan either.
And then Kirby. Her parents had a "miracle baby" about a year after she was adopted and she's long felt like she doesn't fit in with her family. They are wonderful people and have given her everything, but she still feels like a bit of an outside. She wants to meet Marian, find out why Marian didn't keep her, and reconcile these different parts of her. Where did she get her smile? Or her musical ability? Things that seem to make her stand out within her family but they should have come from somewhere, right?
I don't believe Emily Giffin has any first hand experience about adoption but I think she does a great job writing about the different aspects of it and exploring the emotions all around. Everyone's feelings feel pretty authentic to the situations. I don't know how my sons are going to feel about adoption in 10-15 years. I don't know how it might affect them for the rest of their lives. I don't know what it's like to make the decision to give up a baby you've been carrying for ~9 months and how it feels to actually hand over that baby.
This book is not worth reading just for understanding different aspects of adoption but that is why it appeals to me and why I've returned to it twice. Highly recommend to anyone looking for an enjoyable read about adoption and how that can affect a family, all parts of the triad, for life. It gave me a greater appreciation for the parts I'll never live.
Luke's Adoption Story | Sam's Adoption Story
Amazon | Goodreads
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