Deja vu to two years ago....

In the early months of 2012 we started the adoption process.  We made the tough call to Catholic Charites to get started.  It was so scary and hard and just a lot.  Then the same week we met with our social worker for the intake meeting I went to a doctor's appointment for my foot and found out I would need surgery on a ruptured tendon.  Starting the adoption process and dealing with impending surgery.  There was a lot on our plates then. 

It's starting to feel a lot like that all over again.

A week after Luke's birthday, in early April, we called Catholic Charities again, to start the adoption process, again.  This time was much less scary.  Our social worker e-mailed the needed paperwork a few hours later and it was much less the second time around.  We only had to update things like our financial statement, get new physicals, redo all the background checks (fingerprinting, CPS checks, 2 other background checks), and fill out a few forms.  No writing long essays about our relationships with our parents and siblings, no autobiographies about our childhood.  It was pretty straight forward.

Around the same time I started to have more foot problems.  The beginning of the year I had felt pretty good - down to just ibuprofen a few times a day and I could function pretty well.  I had high hopes for running with Luke once the weather warmed up.  Then I don't know what happened but things went downhill.  Ibuprofen 3 times a day wasn't cutting it.  I could barely go up and down the stairs.  I had been putting off calling the foot doctor because surgery didn't seem like a viable option with Luke.  Plus, having been through that already once and still being in pain...I was pretty leery.  But after a few too many tears, Matt finally convinced me to call my newest foot doctor (the 5th one I have seen for this).

This doctor is supposed to be the best in town (from many different people) and actually operated on my sister's broken foot right before Matt & I started dating.  I had seen him last fall when things were still looking good.  He ordered some tests.  I had 6 doctor appointments in 4 weeks - 2 with him, 1 MRI, 1 nerve test, my adoption physical, and a regular dentist appointment.  Luke was drug along to 3 of those.  Let me tell you, if you don't have kids enjoy every second you don't have to entertain them in a doctor's office. 

His only real solution was surgery.  Again.  I have an extra bone in my foot that rubs against my bad tendon.  He said the only way to really fix it is to take this bone out.  I trust him because everyone says he's the best.  I broke down a little when he told me about surgery and he promised he would fix it.  After over 3 years of this pain, 5 doctors, 6 physical therapists, and countless hours of pain, I need a solution.  We went into this knowing surgery was probably our only real option but were hoping for something different.  That didn't happen.

It was really hard accepting surgery again, especially because I take care of a toddler all day.  I am expected to be on crutches for 6 weeks post surgery so my tendon can get fully reattached.  Last time I was on crutches for 3 1/2 weeks and that was annoying. 

Getting that news the same week we were finishing up our adoption paperwork to turn in was really tough.  Really felt like 2 years earlier when it all happened at once, again.  (Except no trip to Europe this time.)  I didn't even tell anyone, besides Matt, about surgery for over a month because I was in pretty strong denial.  Scheduling it after summer (3 1/2 months away at the time) made it feel pretty far away anyways.

Good news is that we were approved for the second adoption back in July.  After turning in our paperwork we met with our social worker once to update our home study and then we were approved by Catholic Charities.  Bad news is that they have a waiting list for their waiting list and we are about 4th on that.  So it could be a while before we are able to even be presented to birth mothers.  We are going to relist with Lutheran Social Services as well and are all approved with them.  We are going to wait until my time on crutches is coming to an end to prepare our profile but should be ready to go by Halloween.

For now, we prepare for my surgery next week.  I'm off all my pain meds for the required 7 days before surgery which isn't fun.  I've been baking like a bit of a crazy person to fill the freezer with all the buns Matt will need and plenty of cookies and muffins (between that and summer produce preserving we are running out of space fast!).  I did a menu plan for the 6 weeks I'll be laid up, all things Matt says he can make.  We did a big grocery stock up so hopefully Matt will just have to buy things like milk, produce, and cold meat.  I've been finishing up loose ends on projects around here and doing shopping in advance for the fall (things like Luke's fall/winter wardrobe and Halloween costume and Matt's birthday presents).  Luke and I have been practicing the stairs all summer and I still feel like it's inevitable that we will fall down them at some point.

I'm terrified at how hard it will be to watch Luke when I can't carry him around, can't really do anything besides lay on the couch or sit on the floor.  Matt was only able to take off the day of surgery and the day after.  Last time I had him for 4 days and there wasn't a toddler to watch! 

I've told Matt many times that we should just cancel surgery because it's too expensive (not looking forward to those bills but at least my MRI got us close to our deductible amount!), too hard to manage with Luke.  I can just live in tennis shoes forever, never run again, and take pain meds multiple times a day (I currently take 3-4 Aleve a day which makes it so I can walk and even wear flip-flops or heels occasionally!).  He said I'm having the surgery, that's that.  I will appreciate that someday.  Hopefully next spring when Luke and I can go for jogs.  When I'm finally not taking drugs just to walk. 

It will all work out.  It always does.