Reflections on Mother's Day

Mother's Day is this weekend.  You probably knew that if you've watched any tv (jewelry commercials) or been to Target (massive card display).  Or just if you are a person who looks at the calendar from time to time.

I like Mother's Day.  I feel like it's one of two days a year (along with my birthday) that I get to be fairly selfish.  I get to sleep in and have Matt (and Luke) bring me breakfast (although, never in bed, that seems like a recipe for disaster, having a 5 year old think it's ok to eat in bed).  I don't have to do any extra work (besides all the normal Mom work, of course).  And I get presents.  It's pretty nice.

But I haven't always liked Mother's Day.  There were many years it was a very very hard day.  All those years we were silently trying to get pregnant, being asked that day, more than usual, when we were going to have kids.  Why didn't we have kids?  You know, you should really have kids.

I was happy to celebrate my own Mom and Matt's Mom, seeing as they are the reasons we exist.  But it was a day that always ended in tears.  A lot of tears.  It was so hard to see so many other Moms being celebrated when that's all I wanted to be.  It seemed to come so easy for everyone else but it wasn't for us.  And those years of waiting were so so hard.

Even now, I love being celebrated.  It's pretty nice.  But I still feel like a bit of a fake at this whole Mom thing.  So much of the praise is directed at growing a human, for the labor and delivery and nursing and being pregnant.  And I didn't have that.

I don't need convinced I am a real Mom.  I've changed enough diapers, fed so many bottles at 3am, been puked on, dragged kids to doctor appointments, and been in the trenches of this Mom thing.  I know I am a Mom.

But I still feel a little bit like I skipped out on some of the hard stuff.

I think about the boys' birth mothers every day but even more around Mother's Day.  They grew these tiny precious humans.  They felt their kicks from the inside.  The endured the weigh gain and the body changes.  They went through labor.  They gave the boys their eyes or their nose or their hairline.

But then they gave them to us.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." - John 15:13

But the second greatest gift has to be giving your baby to a stranger, in hopes of giving them a better life.  

It's a great honor to be chosen to parent these boys we didn't grow.  That we had no connection to until their Mamas gave us one.  And while we are the ones raising them, feeding bottles at 3am, wondering if we will ever sleep through the night again...they deserve so much praise and celebration on Mother's Day too.  

I didn't grow these babies but I'll get to watch them grow up.  I didn't give them my eyes or nose or hair but I'll give them a home and a family.  I didn't give them life but I'll get to watch them live it.

I may have not carried them inside me but I carried the weight of adoption stress and longing.  

It's not the journey to motherhood I thought I would have but it's the one I've lived.  And while I'm very happy to be celebrated on Sunday (or any day, I'm pretty open to any day), I'll also be thinking of their first mothers.  And be so grateful that they gave life to these boys.  And that they then gave them to us.

That's the best gift I'll ever receive. 

The Call - Sam's Adoption Story

After years and years of waiting for another baby, you'd think we'd be ready to have one sprung on us at any time.  And yet, when the call came last Sunday and we were told there was a baby waiting at the hospital for us, it was like we hadn't been waiting for that exact call for years.  A lot of excitement and a little bit of panic (we're not ready!!).  Yet, I feel like God must have delighted in springing one on us and making us a family of 4 in just a few hours.  (I realize many families expand in a matter of hours.  Mom goes into labor and has a baby, boom! Family bigger.  Except we didn't know we were imminently expecting.)

We were blessed beyond measure with another perfect son, Samuel Paul.  Sam because we liked it (and biblical like big brother Luke) and Paul after my dearly departed Grandpa. 

Matt and I always wanted multiple children.  We have huge families and we always planned on having a houseful ourselves (I guess that's a relative term, considering our family sizes but we always wished for many).  Before we even got Luke we were talking about how soon after we'd want to relist for another.  It was always part of the plan (which I've learned, doesn't mean much).

We started shortly after Luke's first birthday, contacting the same agency that helped us get him and starting the home study process.  But there was a waiting list for the waiting list and I was having foot surgery in the fall (that put me on crutches for 6 weeks) that would have kept us from being placed anyways.  So it was November 2014 before we were officially listed and waiting for a baby.

Almost 3½ years ago.

Adoption posts during wait #2:
Deja Vu to Two Years Ago (Sept. 2014)
Praying for the Next One (Nov. 2014)
November is Indiana Adoption Month (Nov. 2014)
The Interrelated Woes of my Foot & Adoption (May 2015)
The Adoption Struggle, It's Real (Sept. 2015)
Things I Tell Myself When the Adoption Wait Sucks (Dec. 2015 - it's a good thing that I didn't know we still had TWO YEARS to go when I wrote this.)
State of the Adoption - Year 4 (March 2016)
The Adoption Question I Wished We'd Be Asked (Feb. 2017)
State of the Adoption - Year 5 (Feb. 2017)
Dear Birth Mother... (March 2017)
Prepping for an Adoption Home Visit (Aug. 2017)
State of the Adoption - Year 6 (Feb. 2018)


Three and a half years is a long time to wait.  A long time to be thinking about every plan "Well if we have a baby by then this will change because..."  We prayed "Thy will be done" even on the hard days (and JUST that Sunday morning when I was getting ready for church I was thinking about how I should write a post about how hard "Thy will be done" can be to pray and accept.)  But there were a lot of benefits to having just one kid who was getting easier by the year (I wrote a whole post about it: The Things We Will Miss).

In 2017 we started looking for more agencies to list with after one of ours didn't place any babies in 2016 and another had shut down their adoption program.  We spent a lot of time last year on adoption related things.  We went to meetings, had another home study visit, made two profile books, filled out more paperwork, wrote checks, and stressed.  (You can read about our most invasive personal question asked here and small humor in filling out some paperwork here.)

By the fall we were listed at multiple agencies in multiple cities and we finally felt a bit at peace with the wait.  We felt we had done what we could to get our profile in front of many birth mothers and now we were going to let God do His work.

Life was continuing on.  We got infrequent updates from some of our agencies.  We registered Luke for kindergarten and I was asked many times what I would do once he's in school (Me: "Hopefully have a baby!  Train for a half marathon if we don't!")  We planned a trip to New York City for later this year.  (New thing to stress about: how we will handle a tiny baby in New York.)

Then everything changed in an afternoon.

Saturday, March 3rd
Normal Saturday at home.  I know we were sorting through garage sale Legos ($5 for a giant tub with Star Wars and Harry Potter sets, our best find ever) at 5pm.  We went to Matt's BIL's surprise 40th birthday party that evening.  My SIL asked me about running a half marathon and I said I would if we don't have a baby.  Matt and I watched The Avengers after getting Luke to bed and didn't get to bed until past midnight but I always take a nap on Sunday afternoons so it was fine.  I was really looking forward to that nap.

Sunday, March 4th
We went to 9am Mass, talked with people after, went to breakfast downstairs.  Came home, changed, and went to my in-laws for weekly Sunday brunch.  Matt and I were sitting in the kitchen talking with other family members when I got a phone call from out of state at 11:59.  I ignored it because we've been getting a lot of spam calls lately and so I don't answer my phone unless I know the number or am expecting a call.


Fifteen minutes later Matt stepped out to take a call from his sister and then came to get me. "I want to see if you know who this number is." He said as we walked into another room.

As soon as we were alone he said the agency was trying to get a hold of us (and had tracked us down through his sister whose daughter is friends with the daughter of one of the employees).

Now, there is only ONE reason an adoption agency would be calling us over a weekend.  And we both knew what that was.

We went on the front porch and started freaking out a little and trying to figure out who to call back.  I listened to my voice mail and called that social worker.  Matt called the number from his sister (he's still not sure who he talked to).  We got the story.  There was a baby born the night before, at 5pm, completely healthy, he needs parents.  We were next on the list (it doesn't always work like that, Luke's birth mom picked us from profiles, but this mom didn't want to pick and we won since we had been on the list the longest).  Could we sign papers downtown and then head to the hospital?  The hospital wanted someone to stay with the baby that night and then he should be discharged on Monday.

That's a lot to take in in a few minutes.

My mind was going 100 miles a second and I said I wanted to talk to my husband and I'd call her right back.  Meanwhile Matt's talking to someone else and agreeing to go get a baby.  His phone call was much longer than mine and I couldn't get him to hang up and tell me what the heck was going on.  I went and got Luke, got our coats, and we just disappeared, didn't tell anyone what was going on.

As soon as we got in the car we told Luke we thought we were getting a baby that day.  He was finally getting his brother/sister he had been praying for since he could talk.  What he's wished for on every birthday candle, every eyelash.  He often asked why it was taking so long to find them.  He had been waiting basically his whole life.  And he was SO excited.

At 12:33pm, about 15 minutes after this all started, I called back the social worker I had talked to and told her we would take that baby and start to figure out how this would happen.

We had about 45 minutes at home to pack our bags and get things ready for a baby.  Most parents get 8 months.  With Luke we knew 8 days before we were bringing him home.  What I wouldn't have given for even 8 hours.

I spent a lot of that time walking around the house just saying "Oh my goodness.  Oh my goodness.  Praise the Lord.  Oh my goodness."  If it's possible to have an excited panic attack I think I had one.

We looked up roughly where this hospital was (about 90 minutes away).  We looked up if the infant carseat we used for Luke was expired (it would be in August).  We looked up if Target had any on the shelf we could buy immediately (they did, and even ON SALE.  THANK YOU TARGET.)  We all packed bags for overnight, grabbed the camera and GPS, I filled the diaper bag with at least 8 outfits many burb cloths and blankets.  There was no room in there for diapers.  We got the Big Brother button I had ordered for Luke over a year ago.  I'm really surprised at how well we packed considering the no time and minor freaking out.

(Luke, of course, packed a bunch of Star Wars books and toys.  Gotta teach this baby young.)

We left home before 1:30, got downtown to the agency at 1:37.  And then spent more than an hour going over the paperwork and signing.  Let me tell you, a good way to kill a "we are getting a baby!" high is by reading a bunch of legal documents.

But we signed away, wrote a check, got our packet of papers to take to the hospital and the social worker who would be meeting us there, and headed out about 2:40.

We stopped at Wendy's for lunch.  Went to Target for the car seat, diapers (forgot wipes), a toy for Luke (spent $14 and totally worth it for all the time he spent playing with it at the hospital!) and I randomly grabbed some onesies because, we were getting a baby.  I could buy baby clothes!

He "played" with those in the box for the entire drive.

We were back on the road about 3:20 and started our drive.  We called the social worker to let her know when we were due to arrive.  I called my Mom and asked if she could watch my niece who we normally watch on Mondays.  She asked if there was anything I wanted to tell her.  NO MOM.  (She knew something was up.)

At 4:48 we arrived at the hospital.  We grabbed the camera, my purse and water bottle and met the social worker at 4:50.  Then set off to meet our son.  They took us to the OB unit and to the room that would be ours and right at 5:00, when he was 24 hours old, they wheeled him in.  And there he was.  Perfect.  Less than 5 hours after we knew he existed, we had signed papers and had our lives completely and forever changed.

The first picture we have of him is at 5:03pm, me holding him and Luke next to me.  It was completely surreal.  We woke up that morning thinking it was a normal Sunday (and I was really looking forward to that nap, before I was even out of bed).  Then less than 9 hours later we had two beautiful boys.

By 5:10 we were alone in the hospital room as a family of 4.  (The nurses and social worker: "Let us know if you need anything! Bye!") At 5:11 we took our first family of 4 picture.  It was so completely different from how Luke's meet and greet went (where we had to meet and impress his birth mother and her parents before we got to meet him).  We had signed all the papers and now this was it!  We were new parents again.

By 5:13 we were back on the phone, each calling our parents.  Then all our siblings.  Everyone was pretty shocked (can't say it had settled in for us yet either!).

Most of the people we talked to: "Did you know this was coming??"

Us: "Nope.  Not at all."

After years of waiting, years of praying, years of wondering when we would get that baby, it all happened in an afternoon.  I like to think God was up there gleefully laughing at giving us this blessing, all those times we prayed knowing this was coming and that it would come so fast.  An answer to so many prayers.

I stayed that night in the hospital with Sam.  Matt and Luke got a hotel and came back in the morning.  Luke and I ran to Wal-Mart in the afternoon for formula (and wipes) but otherwise we stuck around the hospital all day.  We were discharged at 5:30 and headed home with a full car, still a little in shock.

You know how most parents do the whole nesting and getting ready for baby thing?  Like washing the clothes, getting furniture rearranged and set-up, etc.?  Yeah...we didn't get that.  People kept texting and asking what we needed. Someone to break into our house to sanitize bottles and wash the baby clothes.  Please and thank you!

We got both sets of Grandparents over within an hour after getting home.  I threw in all the newborn - 3 months clothes in the washer, almost before I had my coat off.  We got the pack n play set up (super important because it's where we store all the baby stuff downstairs - diapers, wipes, burb cloths, clean clothes, etc.).  The next morning we washed bottles, started (another) shopping list, and got things knocked off the to-do list (call about baptism class, let other agencies know we were placed, work on insurance, get attorney, etc.)

The first night was rough but every one since had gotten a little easier.  Matt and I getting at least 7 hours of sleep (even if not consecutively) makes a world of difference in how the day goes.    We've had a steady stream of visitors and Luke is especially delighted when cousins come to meet his new baby (but then run off to play with him).

We still have to wait for the putative father registry to clear (not that I'm completely stressing about it or anything (I am.)), have post placement visits, and eventually go to court to finalize.  Our adoption journey for this baby isn't over yet.  But the years of waiting are.  It's still a little mind boggling.  But, also, crazy how quick it became weird not to have Sam with us, how quickly he became an integral part of our family.

It still blows my mind at how quickly life changed.  It's been a little over a week and still feeling so so blessed.  There are so many people who have said so many prayers for us over the years.  We are so grateful for every one.  Getting to tell everyone is so exciting.

Things might be a little sparse over here for a few weeks (everything that published last week I had written and scheduled before our lives blew up) as we adjust and figure out our new routines. But this is the life disruption we've been wanting.  It's exhausting but so exciting.  We are so blessed by this baby, his birth mother, and all the people who helped pray Sam into our family.  Praise the Lord.

State of the Adoption - Year 6

It's February which means it's time for me to talk about adoption, again.  It was February 2012 when we had our first adoption meeting (here).  It feels like we've been on a constant merry-go-round of adoption paperwork and waiting ever since, although there almost a year off in there, between bringing Luke home, finalizing his adoption, and starting the process for #2.

It's really hard to know what to say about this, especially that I haven't already said.  We started the process for our second right around Luke's first birthday.  He'll be 5 next month.  It's been A LOT of waiting.  A lot of paperwork.  A lot of crying and wondering WHY God is giving us this long wait.  A lot of not understanding but trying to accept it.

Last year at this time I was pretty stressed out, finding more agencies to list with, more places to get our profile out.  We spent over 6 months, going until late summer, working on getting on lists, waiting some more.  We spent more time on adoption related things (meetings, training, and, of course, paperwork) than any other year since we started.  And it really might have been more time in 2017 than in 2012, when we were starting from scratch.

We are now listed with multiple agencies, we get periodic updates from some (largely through  Facebook).  We know our profile has been looked at, at least once last fall.  And finding out we weren't picked was a little heart breaking, even though, after all this time, we've learned to keep expectations LOW.  And then even lower.

It's really hard to think about Luke starting kindergarten in the fall with a very good chance of never having a sibling with him in these years we've been home together.  At the very least, he'll have one who isn't super into playing by the time Luke is out of the house 7 hours a day.  It feels like we'll be starting over from scratch, back to just me and a baby together.  Back where we were 5 years ago, if we even get a baby by August.  Trying not to think about that too much because there is just no point in trying to plan it.

(Which kills me a little bit, as a super planner.)

And we've been through thousands of scenarios over the last 8+ years of "Well if we have a baby by this point then ___________ will be affected because...."  And at some point we just had to stop expecting or planning anything baby related.  

Maybe I'm just extra emotional because our sweet boy is leaving for kindergarten too soon and that alone can make me cry, without even getting into all the "will he ever have a sibling??" thoughts.  He so so desperately wants to be a big brother, at least once a week asking why it's taking so long and why so many of his cousins have younger siblings and when is he going to get to wear his big brother sticker.  He tells me the things he's going to share with a baby and what he wants to teach them (Star Wars, a lot about Star Wars).  How he's going to give them bottles when they wake up in the middle of the night. (I don't actually expect that one to happen.)

It's never real easy but harder on some days than others.  It makes me SO grateful that we have Luke, that the years of wondering if we'd ever even be parents are almost 5 years past.  That we do have one (in my totally unbiased opinion) great kid.  It seems like a few small things could have gone differently and he'd never be ours which...I just can't even think about.  My sweet boy.

We feel like this is the giant elephant in the room that everyone feels sorry for us for but also, nobody wants to bring up.  Which also sucks.  I'm not sure anyone even knows exactly how many agencies we are listed with, because we're so rarely asked.  We gathered with over a hundred relatives throughout Christmastime and were, combined, asked exactly three times about how the adoption stuff is going.  Which I was honestly pretty excited about. "Matt! I had 3 people ask me about it in less than 48 hours! That's a lot!"  It's SO rare that we get asked how things are going or how we are doing with it.  Since I wrote this post almost a year ago we've been asked that questions one time.  And I kinda get it, it's awkward and maybe people really don't care.  But having this HUGE thing we're going through mostly ignored hurts really bad too.


So, all in all, still painful, still hopeful.  We've put in a lot of hard work (and money) and now we're listed many more places.  It feels like we can coast, a little, that we did our part of getting our profile in front of the mothers with babies that need a home.  We have to trust God but also had to do our part, nobody is going to ring our doorbell asking if we want a kid, if they don't know we are looking for one.


Someday I'll write this annual post with much better news!  Or we'll just give up/age out.  Both feel almost equally likely at this point.

State of the Adoption - year 5
State of the Adoption - year 4
ALL adoption posts

Prepping for an Adoption Home Visit

A few weeks ago we had our 5th home visit from a social worker.  It was a little stressful but nothing like our first one although the relief we felt when it was over was almost the same.

When we had our first home visit, for what would be Luke's adoption, I spent weeks super cleaning and organizing the house (Is that something I would have done anyways?  Maybe.)  I went through every closet and cupboard, super cleaning every surface.  We spent a decent amount of time cleaning the basement and the garage (two perpetual problem areas).  Our house was maybe the cleanest it had been up to that point.

Then the dreaded walk-through took less than 10 minutes.  And she never went in the basement or the garage.

(I mean, we do have a small house but still, I've given "tours" to new visitors that have taken longer.  And they (probably) weren't checking for smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.)

Turns out, there was no "white-glove" test and that they pretty much just want to make sure you have running water, no obvious safety hazards, and legal space for a baby (Did you know, in Indiana, we are required to have 50 square feet per kid per bedroom?  I measured Luke's after we found that out...he's good, his is 120 square feet.).

(Side note: during home visit #4, when we were starting on baby #2, we were getting towards the end of the bathroom project but the toilet still wasn't completely hooked up.  It flushed, but only if you poured a bucket of water down it.  We put the tank on the back so it would look functional but it certainly wasn't.  Luckily, that social worker didn't ask to use the bathroom.  Social worker on visit #5 did.)

Instead of spending 90 minutes inspecting our house, most of these home visit have been spent talking.  About us: our relationship with each other, our relationship with our parents, relationship with siblings, what our hobbies are.  As an (self-diagnosed) introvert, it's a little exhausting. Trying to figure out the right things to say, summarize the wonderfulness of your parents in just a few sentences.  Trying to convince these people that you are fit parents.

I might prefer the white glove test and admiring my organization.

For this home visit we didn't do much to prepare.  Matt spent one evening straightening up the basement (it's never NOT going to be a problem area).  I did my usual weekly cleaning the day before and clutter pick-up that morning. Took care of a few of those little nagging things that don't take much time but seem to build up anyways.  But really, we didn't do much extra.  (And maybe our house is generally cleaner and more organized, even with a kid, than it was five years ago.)  And that was it.  Low stress, little worrying.

On this visit we had to fill out some paperwork (at least no questions about our "early sexual experiences" on this one) and so spent most of it at our dining table.  I moved the table runner out of the way and there was a nice dust ring around it since I usually don't move that to clean.  And you know what?  It didn't even bother me.

Because here's what we've figured out after all these visits, all this adoption paperwork, all the waiting.

It doesn't matter.

Dust rings don't matter.

Having an organized linen closet doesn't matter.

Having beautiful newly refinished hardwood floors don't matter (although we did get complimented on them).

What matters is that we want to give a loving home to another baby, even if that comes with a little dust.

(Knowing we've already passed a few home studies doesn't hurt either.)

There is a lot more peace at this point in the adoption process than there was 5 years ago.   We know that the system works.  We know the beauty of adoption, the wonderful gift it can be.  We can have faith that the right mother will find us with the baby we are meant to have.

And while it's taken YEARS and a decent amount of tears (on my end) to get to this point, it's a lot easier to let the little things go during the process.  Not let every little bump send me spiraling.  Not let things like a little dust throw off our home visit.

If you are just starting the process and dread the scrutinizing of every little part of your lives, just relax.  You're doing what you need to do to get a baby.  The social worker is doing what they need to do.  They aren't going to throw you out of consideration because of a little dust or a disorganized pantry.  God picked YOU to go through adoption because He knows you can handle it.  Because this is what you need to do to get the baby you are meant to parent.  And yes, it can suck, so bad at times, but once you get that baby you won't be able to imagine becoming a parent any other way.  It's all worth it, I promise.

Just don't stress.  Trust God.  And maybe have a functioning toilet.  Just in case.

Book Love: Loving My Actual Life

I mostly love my life but am always looking for more inspiration or concrete ways to do that and when this book popped up on my Goodreads I immediately wanted to read it.  I had to purchase request it from the library and then wait awhile on the hold list.  But it worked out that it came in and I read it at just the right time.

I realize my life is pretty calm and manageable right now.  I barely work outside the home.  I have one kid.  We have no school schedule.  My husband works pretty normal hours, 8-5 most days.  We don't have a lot of obligations and commitments, enough, but not a lot.  But that doesn't mean there isn't any room for improvement.  Our mornings could always use some help, particularly any day we are leaving the house.  I continually want to do better with time management.  I'm not very good about making plans with others (Another day to stay home and not go anywhere?  Usually pretty ok with me!)  And that's where this book was mostly helpful.

Alexandra Kuykendall is a mother to 4 girls, a wife, and she wanted to love her life more.  So she came up with an experiment of 9 areas of focus over 9 months.  Each month would be something different.  Similar in concept to many "I'll do this for a year" books and it especially reminded me of The Happiness Project and Happier at Home, in form but not necessarily in outcome or execution (although, if you enjoyed either of those books you'd probably be interested in this one).

Each chapter covered a different month of her project and she shared what specifically she wanted to focus on, the concrete steps she was making, and how it all went.

One chapter was the mornings, something we definitely need help with.  Another was taking better care of her own health.  Another was doing more adventures, the staycation and daily variety, with her family.  Another was getting her home more organizing and coming up with better systems and processes.  Another was menu planning (something I'm definitely a fan of).

I am in a different stage of life right now but I took something useful out of each chapter, if not for right now, then for later when we have school schedules and activities to deal with.

It's a fairly short book, a little more than 200 pages, so it was quick, easy, and enjoyable to read.  It's one I looked forward to picking up throughout my day and was a little sad when it was over.  I enjoyed this book.

I finished it the day before we had what turned out to be a very frustrating adoption meeting (7 hours out of our day for a 25 minute meeting, for starters).  I had picked Matt up at work for the meeting and so we were driving separate cars back through town to get home at the end of the day.  He had Luke with him so I was listening to podcasts (as I almost always do when I'm in the car alone) and next in my queue was an episode of The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey where she was interviewing Alexandra Kuykendall, the author of this book (I had been saving that episode for when I finished the book).

They started with talking about loving your actual life and as soon as they said that something in me just snapped into place.  It didn't matter where the conversation went from there.  This adoption thing, not easy.  We've spent so many hours this year to finding agencies, making phone calls, filling out more paperwork, more meetings, more paperwork, meetings, paperwork (it's a never ending cycle).   It's been uplifting but also frustrating at different times.  And I happened to be listening to these ladies talk about how to love your actual life in the middle of one of these super frustrating times.  And it's just what I needed.  It might not be the journey we asked for but it's the journey we have.  So I can either mope and complain or suck it up and deal.  And right now I'm sucking it up and dealing.  I needed to hear that message on that day.  I needed some extra encouragement to get through more paperwork and answer questions like: "Describe your early sexual experiences" (Not a joke.) (There are boxes to check, not short answer, THANKFULLY).

Sometimes the right book comes at just the right moment.  I really liked this book when I finished it.  I super appreciated it the next day when I needed that message more than ever.  Even if your life is going pretty well, couldn't we all use a little improvement?  Who wouldn't like to love their life even a little bit more?  I'd recommend this book as a good place to start.

Goodreads | Amazon

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The Things We Will Miss

We talk often of our desire for another kid (or two, or three, although preferably not three at once...) and it was Luke's wish every time he blew out his birthday candles.  He so desperately wants to be a big brother.

But while we are (somewhat) impatiently waiting for that baby, I often think about the things that will change when we have an infant in the house again. 

I'll miss all the one-on-one time I have with Luke.

I'll miss sleeping through the night.

I'll miss our family bike rides.

I'll miss our family jet ski rides.

I'll miss quiet time.

I'll miss the ease of just having a preschooler.

I'll miss only having to wash sheets on a regular schedule, not because they were peed or puked on.

I'll miss the ease of the schedule we have right now.

Luke is about as easy as a kid can get right now.  He's fully (knock on wood) potty trained.  We are on no schedule which means he frequently sleeps past 8:30 and that's fine because we have nowhere to be early most mornings.  He feeds himself, takes himself to the bathroom (although, not public ones yet), can pick up his own toys, and entertain himself.  We have less than 18 months before he's in school and while he's super excited about that, I'll definitely be mourning not having my buddy around all day...and being on a school schedule (you have no idea how much I am dreading that.  It's the main reason homeschooling is so appealing to me.) 

So we are at a pretty great stage right now but, I know, throwing an infant back into the mix will change everything.  Maybe not as big of a shift as becoming first time parents (we'll feel a little more confident this time around, right?) but still, a big shift.

It's not often Luke needs us in the middle of the night.

We can pick up and go on a spur of the moment ski trip (like we did a few weeks ago).

The whole family can ride our bikes downtown (like we did a few weeks ago and will continue to do frequently as the weather improves).

Our lake trips will greatly change with the addition of a baby.  (The only con in the twins column: even once the babies would be big enough, we couldn't fit the whole family on the jet ski together...)

We are long past that stage where we have to worry about what a baby/toddler could pick up and put in their mouths.

So while we continue our wait of undetermined length, it's helpful to remember all the things that will change and appreciate where we are in life right now.  There is a lot of goodness.  Maybe not the goodness we were expecting or hoping for at this stage in our lives, but a lot of goodness, nonetheless. 

I wouldn't trade Luke for all the babies we expected to have by now and I know I'll feel the same once the next one comes along.  But for now, it's helpful to appreciate where we are, what we have, the freedom we have with just one, pretty easy to take wherever we go kid.  It's not the life we may have imagined right now, but it's pretty wonderful all the same.

Dear Birth Mother...

I've mentioned (here, here) that we've been working on listing with more adoption agencies.  After things not moving much for months (years) all of a sudden, in less than a week, we're filling out applications for two more agencies, agencies we had contacted over a month ago and then were in a waiting period.

One of them required a copy of our profile book with our application.  We had more of a brochure type with our current agency and asked if that would be fine for applying, we'd do the full book if we got accepted.  They said no, they need the book with the application.  We made sure our pastor would sign off on the statement of faith, which he did on a Friday.  Three weeks before the application was due (and just 24 hours after we asked, it was a short window to begin with).  We knew we'd have a wait with getting a book printed and shipped to our house which meant we had about a weekend to put together a 20 page profile book.

You might imagine that that was a slightly stressful weekend around here.  But we knocked it out with about 10 hours of work between the two of us.  We now have a 20 page, hardcover photobook sent in to Snapfish and it should be delivered to our house 9 days before it has to be at the agency.  It should work out just fine.  (I mean, literally just send in, right before I started writing this post.)

It's a really strange thing to make these profiles.  I think it went fairly quick for us because we had guidelines from this new agency (2 pages about extended family, 1 page per child you have, 2-4 pages for your neighborhood and home, etc.) but also, we had done this before.  More than once.  I kept a copy of our last profile right in front of me the whole time I was working on the new one, copying full paragraphs from it.  It's not cheating, we wrote it all in the first place.

I would have thought the words would be the toughest parts but somehow that came fairly easily (see: the above mentioned copying at least 50% of it).  The hardest part was choosing pictures.

What best represents our family?

What makes us look the best?

Is anyone making a funny face?

Are they going to like or hate that we like Star Wars, the Colts, don't have pets, have a jet ski, etc.

Our social worker told us five years ago that most birth mothers chose a family based on the pictures.  They have the same type of dog.  They like the same sports team.  But the same things could be a turnoff for another birth mother.

We were told to include pictures of the front of our house, the inside of our house, our neighborhood, our extended families, and a lot of us.  But nothing that includes local landmarks or local colleges or anything that gives any clue as to what city we live in.  Nothing with our last names.

So is Matt wearing a hat for our minor league baseball team count as showing where we live?  How about Luke sitting on the turtle statue at our (nationally ranked, by the way) zoo?  What about my sister wearing a t-shirt for the school where her husband used to coach football but doesn't any more and isn't even where we live anyways?  What about that shirt Matt is wearing that is for a local company that lists our city, if you look close enough?  What about the family picture taken at the downtown baseball stadium?  What about my brother-in-law wearing a t-shirt for a school where he student taught and is in our town but where neither of us went to school?  What about the random family reunion t-shirt Matt got at Goodwill, over a decade ago, that has some last name on it that belongs to people we don't even know?  Would they think that's us?

How picky are we being?

It was a little exhausting nitpicking over every single picture, every face.  Would they hold it against us that a niece is picking her nose in a family shot? (She was 3 at the time, I would hope not.)  Don't include any pictures where Luke has obvious scrapes on his head, even though he's a little boy, that stuff happens.

(Side note, anyone care to guess how many times Lemur made the book?  He's definitely in it the most after the three of us.)

We ended up using a lot of pictures from recent(ish) trips to Gulf Shores and New York (no clues there as to where in Indiana we are!).  I left in most of the pictures I worried about above.  It'd be near impossible to hide every tiny, possible reference to where we are.  Besides, we're supposed to be telling these people something about us.

We're supposed to talk about infertility, which remains the hardest thing we've ever been through.  (But not too much talking about it, because you can't make adoption sound like your second choice.)  But can't tell them something as basic as to where we went to college.  It's all about reveling huge parts of yourself but leaving so much hidden, putting the best foot forward but also being honest.  Showing them you'll be a perfect parent, even though that doesn't exist.

And we didn't actually use the words "Birth Mother" anywhere in our book.  Because to them, they aren't a "birth mother" or "birth parents".  At the time, they are still just "parents".  They haven't signed over any baby or given up their rights.  They are considering options and parenting their baby is a very viable one.  We know how emotional adoption can be from our side; we can only imagine how emotional it is from theirs (and we saw Luke's birth mother moments after she signed Luke over to us...we kinda know.).

As I wrote in the book, we know adoption is how God meant for us to grow our family, even if it took us awhile to figure it out.  I look at the (almost) 4 year old evidence right in front of me every single day.  The idea of him being in the world but not being ours still crushes me. 

As tough and as stressful as making a book over a weekend was, we're also pretty happy with how it turned out.  I make annual photobooks but this is something different, highlighting the things we like best about our little family, putting together our favorite pictures.  Not everybody gets to do that.  It's a wonderful little snapshot of our family at this point in our lives.

I know, I have to believe, that we will be lead to the child we are meant to have.  Meant to parent.  Meant to join our family.  We are doing our work so our book can be in the right agency, the right hands, to get in front of that woman who is carrying our future child.  Besides prayer, it's all we can do.  It's not the path we had expected to make our family.  Ten years ago I most definitely never considered that spending 10 hours staring at my computer over a weekend is how we'd make our family.  But here we are.  And right now we're feeling pretty at peace about it all.

State of the Adoption - Year 5

This week marks 5 years since we first met with our initial social worker to begin the "intake" process for what turned out to be Luke's adoption (read about that intake meeting, getting paperwork in, Luke's adoption story).  That meeting cost $100 and started us on this adoption journey.  We had no idea what to expect, no idea when or what baby it would lead us to.  It was scary and overwhelming and emotional but also felt so good to be making concrete steps to finally become parents. 

I still look back fondly on that spring that I spent recovering from my first ankle surgery, prepping for adoption, and planning our trip to Europe.  (Even more so at this moment because Luke found the sample bottle of lotion I used during that time and so the memories are super present today.)  We were optimistic and hopeful. 

Five year later our thoughts have changed a little.  We're parents to (I think) a pretty amazing little kid, despite our parenting screw-ups.  He so desperately wants to be a big brother.  He mentions it multiple times a day, it's always the first thing he prays for, it's always his wish on eyelashes or birthday candles.  One of his cousins asked him yesterday what he wants to be when he grows up and he said "A big brother!".  It is adorable but also so heartbreaking that we haven't been able to give him that.

We've been looking into more agencies lately, since finding out that ours placed NO babies last year despite multiple potential birth mothers.  It's been, at times, an exciting but mostly overwhelming task.  I started a spreadsheet to keep track of all the agencies we've contacted, their location, number of babies placed last year, number of waiting families, and the cost. 

And that's the biggie.  I mean, we obviously want to list somewhere that has been placing babies.  That's important.  But it also comes down to cost.  And not necessarily just the placement cost.  The part that gets me is what it'll cost us if a mother backs out.

Various books and articles I've read about adoption have informed me that we should plan on at least one failed match before placement.  I consider ourselves EXTREMELY lucky that Luke was already born when we found out about him and we could sign almost immediately, less than 48 hours after meeting him, 5 days after we heard about him.  However, that is not typical.  The majority of families are matched while the mother is still pregnant and 99% of the time, they don't (legally can't) relinquish rights until at least 24 hours after birth.  It is fully in their rights to change their mind at any point (which is understandable).  But that does give adoptive parents a whole lot of time to worry.

So, when asking agencies about their placement costs, if they will take outside home studies, if we can be placed at their agencies as well as others, I'm also asking how much it'll cost us if the mother changes her mind post-match.  There was one agency we were all ready to list with because it would only be $300 with our current home study.  That's a drop in the bucket when considering the placement costs most places.  Then we learned that we'd be out $9,000 if the mother changed her mind within 4 weeks of giving birth - birth.  Out $9,000 and no baby.  That's not a small sum.  And something books tell me we should plan on happening.

Then there is the agency where we wouldn't be out as much money if she changed her mind but their overall fees are the highest, north of $25,000 before medical.  And after that $25,000+ you still have to provide a retainer for things like postage.  Because you can't afford a stamp out of the $25k we are already giving you.  (That makes me grouchy.)

Then there is the agency I was talking with on the phone and Luke decided it was a good idea to start SCREAMING for pizza right when the social worker asked me to tell her about us.  That doesn't look so good.

Then there are the agencies that ask for how much money you can spend on an adoption, making it sound like they'll just take everything you have.  (As if we don't need money to also raise a kid??)

I've had some tough weeks and it's emotionally draining talking to agency after agency, making frantic notes, feeling like we are getting nowhere.  We'd like to be listed 5 places.  We have 3 good potentials but a lot of places also having us waiting.  Wait to contact them again in March.  Wait until an informational meeting in March.  Check back again in the summer.  I think after this long, almost 3 years since we started the process for #2, we want/need to do something NOW.  Even if it's just filling out paperwork or changing our profile (that potential birth mothers see) or getting our home study sent somewhere.  It's a lot of waiting, which we should be used to after all this time, but maybe we're also getting more desperate?

It's been a long time, a lot of tears, a lot of stress, a lot of worrying, wondering, and trying, so hard, to trust God's plan through it all.  And while we do trust, it's not like we can sit around waiting for a baby to fall into our laps.  We have to actively do something.  We have to be listed somewhere for that perfect match to happen.  And part of the struggle has been knowing what to do.

Some days are much easier than others.  I know it'll all be worth it someday, just like all the years of waiting, crying, and stress were worth it the second Luke became our son.  I would most definitely go through all those hard years if it was the only way for him to be ours.  And I know we will feel that again someday. 

The Adoption Question I Wish We'd be Asked

I've come to the recent revelation that bringing up adoption is something of a conversation killer.  Most people don't know how to respond when we joke about it or just mention it so the conversation stops and goes nowhere.  This might be a good power to remember when I'm trying to get out of an awkward conversation.  It's not something most people like to talk about.

I think it must be like after someone has a loved one die.  You want to say something but often don't know the right thing to say or don't want to say the wrong thing or make the person feel worse.  I totally get that and have been guilty of it so many times.  You err on the side of saying nothing versus the wrong thing. 

We get asked, periodically, how the adoption is going.  There usually isn't much to say.  Certainly if something happened that we wanted to share then most of the people who ask would already know.  But I appreciate being asked because most people say nothing.  It's nice not to be forgotten.  It's not like we ever forget about it.  Adoption has been on my mind every day for 6 years.  I also have a little boy who prays multiple times a day that we find brother/sister and sometimes tells me he has found them (according to him, they are frequently hiding in the dishwasher).  (Social worker: We do not put children in the dishwasher.)

As much as I appreciate being asked about how the adoption is going, what I really wish is people would ask how we are doing.  That's it.  "How are you doing with the adoption?"  Some people would probably just get the trite "Oh fine, nothing is happening."  And some days that's the truth.  I think it about it every day but just like I think about what to have for supper or what clothes I'm going to wear.  It's a thought but it doesn't affect my mood.

Other days, that's not the story.  I know everyone has their own struggles and people generally hide the worst from people.  It is really hard to share the struggles we've felt since beginning this journey, just like I've never fully understood the struggles of others.  It's impossible to really get it unless you are in it.  I should probably take my own advice and realize a simple "How are you doing?" is better than nothing when I don't know what to say.
 
Pregnant ladies get asked how they are doing. I know they do because I ask that question often and I highly doubt I'm alone in that.  And I do want to know (within reason, one of the benefits of adoption is avoiding the gross/painful parts of pregnancy and childbirth.  Please don't tell me about any fluids being discharged from anywhere.)  But I would argue that adoption is much tougher emotionally than a healthy, normal pregnancy. For one thing, with pregnancy you know it's going to be over in less than 9 months.  We started the process for baby number two a whole 34 months ago with no near end in sight.  I might not have someone kicking my insides but that would be preferred to the emotional pain that has been so present lately.

Once it hit 50, I stopped counting the pregnancy announcements since we started trying to get pregnant.  That's family and close friends (We have a very fertile circle, apparently, or just a large family.  Both might be true.).  Every single one has stung, at least a tiny bit.  It's not that we can't be happy for other because we are, but until you've wanted nothing more for this long, well it's not going to be easy.  There might be some secret tears behind that "Congratulations!".  (Well, secret before I wrote about it on the internet.)

I truly appreciate every single time any person has asked "How's the adoption going?" because it shows they care enough to say something.  It shows that haven't forgotten we are waiting.  I know it's not an easy topic to bring up and I appreciate anyone who has risked the awkward conversation that may follow.  This was going to be a list of "things to say to someone waiting to adopt" but then I realized that this one question would sum them all up.  Other than "We have a baby for you!", this is what I'd most like to hear.

"How are you doing with the adoption?"

State of the Adoption: Year 4

I started this blog to keep family and friends updated about our adoption progress and news.  It's obviously morphed into something else in the meantime, partially due to my interest and partially because there isn't much going on with the adoption.

It's been more than 4 years since we started the adoption process for the first time.  On March 1, 2012 I had my first foot surgery and spent the rest of the month hobbling around on crutches, planning our trip to Europe, and working on adoption paperwork.  It was a super nice March; I remember wearing shorts almost immediately after surgery and for most of the rest of the month.  Despite being laid up and overwhelmed by paperwork, I have very fond memories of that time

We started the process optimistic and full of hope.  It felt like we were making progress after years of trying to get pregnant and (obviously) not succeeding.  Of course, there were plenty of setbacks with the adoption but at least it felt like we were doing something.  The wait sucked, many times, but within 10 months of being listed, and 14 of starting the process, we had our little Luke.  It was the best either of us have ever felt about the adoption process.  It had worked.  We had our baby.  We weren't sleeping through the night but almost (almost) didn't care.  I have never, in my life, felt more secure in trusting God and His plans.  It was wonderful.

But that was almost three years ago.  We started on kid #2 right after Luke's 1st birthday which makes it almost two years ago.  We weren't officially listed for months, partially due to a waiting list for the waiting list but also because my pending second foot surgery.  But we have been listed for awhile now, ~16 months, but it feels like a lot longer since we started the paperwork so long ago.

We already have our annual physicals scheduled for later this spring.  For the 5th years in a row.
Soon after will be new fingerprints (EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T CHANGE) for the 5th year in a row.
We'll fill out paperwork allowing our backgrounds to be checked, again, proving, again, that we aren't sex offenders, criminals, or child abusers.

I can see why some people give up and stop waiting.  I really do.  Because it really really sucks.

I have a lot of anger over this process. In the 5 stages of grief I don't think I've been at acceptance since those early months with Luke.  I definitely hover between denial and anger most of the time.  And comparing all our fertility and adoption struggles to grief is not a stretch.  Go through it and try to argue against me on that one (although I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone).

I've been looking at more agencies, trying to find ones that aren't ridiculously expensive.  Oh, another one that will be $15k out of pocket after the tax credit and before medical...awesome.  Ok.  And it's not just about money.  I mean, it is, but it isn't.  It makes me rage inside that adoption can even be part of a for-profit business.  I know our social workers and everyone needs paid, I totally get that.  But nobody should be trying to make an extra dime off finding homes for kids.

Plus, there is the anger.  That THIS is what we have to go through to get another kid.  There is a lot of anger about that.  Still.  It's why I don't have a problem considering spending $1,000 on area rugs but worry about how we'll adopt our next kid (not keeping the next kid, feed, clothe, educate, etc.  I have no worries about that.).  Or afford the next next kid (God willing and I have to hope that He is).  (But I also haven't convinced Matt about the area rugs either.).  I don't like the looks of pity.  I get tired of people tip-toeing around the issue with us.  Trust me, there is never a day, hardly an hour, that goes by that I forget that we are still waiting to adopt. 

We'll likely hit 10 years of marriage in May with as many kids as 4 of our sisters had at their first anniversary (not that we wanted a kid at our first anniversary, I'm perfectly happy that didn't happen for us!).  We've spent about 2/3 of our marriage working on this kid thing.   

The fact that we are getting dangerously close to mid-30s is weighting on me.  I've read enough about adoptions to know that younger parents have a better chance of being picked and we're not exactly "young" parents anymore.  (Not that I consider us old in the grand scheme of things but for becoming parents to an infant we certainly aren't on the young end.)  And even if we get placed tomorrow there is still the issue of finding #3, #4 (our new goal but who knows how much it'll will take out of us, emotionally and financially).

People have asked why we want twins (Luke even asked me today "Where the twins at?"  A change from his normal "We need to find brother/sister.").  Because we've been waiting so long for kids, two at a time sounds great.  Anything that gets us babies. 

People have asked if it freaks us out, knowing we could get a call and have a baby tomorrow.  No, it doesn't, not most of the time.  We had 8 days warning with Luke, 5 after getting home from New York and it all worked out.  And this time we would need even less since we have enough gender neutral clothes to get us through a bit and if we got a boy we'd really be set.  Get the gear out of the attic, buy diapers and formula, and ready.  Happily panicked.  But ready.

I much prefer that to the alternative: finding out months in advance that a pregnant woman has picked us.  You know what we'd be doing the rest of the pregnancy?  Worrying.  A lot.  That she'd change her mind.  We've talked about not even telling anyone in that situation because the odds seem too great that she would change her mind.  (We are not currently in that situation.  I'd be less angry and more worried if we were.)

Every time I've booked a vacation since Europe (we weren't listed until right after we got back from that one) I've wondered what would happen if we got a baby before the trip.  And right now I'm planning trip #5 since being listed.  We can't just stay at home, putting everything in our lives on hold, waiting for that call, e-mail, or text.  I mostly make sure what I'm booking is refundable and away we go.  It does make me nervous, every time, but we still go.

When I get really angry, which happens on an almost daily basis, there are rarely days where I don't spiral at least a little bit, I tell myself one of three things:

1) I don't want to spend my 30s, prime of life, mad about this.  We have a beautiful son who is nearly perfect, some of the time (tonight: "I pee in trash can!" (pointing to the trash can in his bedroom....)).  We wouldn't have him unless we went through a lot of this crap.  And the thought of him being in the world but not being ours makes me more emotional than just about anything else.

2) Everyone has a different struggle.  We have each other, a wonderful son, and all our parents and siblings (and their spouses and their kids, etc.) still on this Earth and healthy.  I know people struggling with what feels like, to me, bigger issues.  There are millions of people the world over struggling with bigger issues.  This most certainly isn't the worst problem two people could ever have.  We are blessed in many, many ways.

3) That God isn't up in heaven wringing His hands, wondering where our next kid is coming from (paraphrased from some book...I believe one by Robin Jones Gunn).  He knows.  I don't.  But He does.  He's not worried.  That's just us.  He has it under control.  I just pray that he can show us where to go to find brother/sister because right now we're at a loss.  And give us a lot of His peace and grace to get through this time.


So if you were to ask me how the adoption stuff was going I'd probably say "fine" or "nothing is happening".  But what I'd really be feeling is all the above.  That some days it feels like I can barely keep my emotions in check, some days it feels like the panic of "where and when are we going to get our next kid???" almost drags me down.  We still have (some, little) faith in the adoption system but mostly a lot of faith in God.  It is not easy.  But the stuff that is worth it never is. And this most definitely is worth it.

The day I became a mother

Things I Tell Myself When the Adoption Wait Sucks

We started the process for our second child about 21 months ago.  We've been officially listed for over a year.  For Luke, from our first meeting with the social worker to getting him was 14 months, we were listed 10 of those.  This one is going a little slower.  Which we expected but that doesn't really make it much easier. There are some parts that are certainly better this time around.  I mean, this kid is pretty stinkin' adorable:

That certainly helps a little.  But there is also knowing the longer this goes on, the bigger the gap between them gets.  I am about 2 years from both my older and younger sister (25 and 21 months, respectively).  Luke is about 3 months from turning 3 (!!!).  I always figured I'd have kids with the same gap as most of my sisters and I.  Plus, we'd like more than 2 and expect the wait to be longer between each...then I start freaking out about being almost 40 (but not really) and not having all our kids!

A lot of this adoption process has been learning how to let go of what I wanted and expected.  Actually, pretty much all of it is about that.  So, when the days get tough and the wait drives me crazy (which is usually at least some point in every day) these are things I tell myself to make it a little bit better.

1)  Maybe we're getting twins next so we need extra calm before the crazy.  (And nothing makes me feel better about only having one than thinking about getting ready for twins in less than a week.  I mean, we have a small house and no car that could fit three car seats!  We'd actually really like twins...but maybe for #s 3 & 4 or 4 & 5.  But honestly...we're not going to turn them down at any point.)

2)   

3)  Maybe this next kid is so awesome we just can't handle it yet.  We need to build up to the awesome.

4)

 5)

6)

 7) This:

8)

9)  I remind myself I can have a drink if I want...which you (mostly?) can't do pregnant. 

10)  This, but with my son:

11) I reread this and remember all the feelings from when we got Luke.  Mostly the complete trust in God and the wonderful feeling of contentment.

12)

(All Bible quotes from Bible Gateway.  Other quotes from Pinterest but they didn't lead to any real source.)

The adoption struggle, it's real

It's hard to know what to say about the whole adoption thing on here because nobody likes to hear whining but there is also the "making my life always look awesome on the internet" thing.  Part of the reason I don't talk about adoption much is because there is nothing to talk about.  We don't hear much from our agencies unless we have paperwork to fill out or a payment due.  We go through good and bad days when it comes to the whole waiting thing.  A few things that have happened lately:

1) We found out that the social worker we've been with the last 3.5 years has left Catholic Charities because nothing much is happening there, adoption wise.  She's the first person we ever talked to about adoption, besides each other.  She did all three of our home study visits, two post placement visits.  She's the one who texted and e-mailed us in New York to tell us about Luke (I will keep that e-mail forever).  She was with us when we met Luke's birth mother and one of only five non-paid people at his finalization hearing (the other four being our parents).  We've asked her many questions, some completely out of the blue when we weren't even actively listed.  She's been a huge support for us and now has moved on.  That was tough news to take.  It feels like we lost our champion and main adoption support.

2) We've started looking at listing with more agencies, beyond the two we are already listed with, these in Indianapolis.  It's a bit of price tag sticker shock though.  We've gotten used to how the non-profits charge for adoption and looking at these for-profit agencies...it's shocking.  One was $24,000 before attorney and medical expenses.  Another just gave a $25,000-35,000 range.  Even with the tax credit (capped around $13,000), it's very pricey.  $10,000 is nothing to sneeze at.  Obviously if Luke was hurt or got sick or we birthed a baby that needed expensive medical care, we'd pay it.  But this is asking for a lot of money with no guarantee of a child.  Some of those fees, over $10,000 would be due before a baby was even born, if you were placed with a pregnant birth mother.  Then she could change her mind and we'd be out that money with no chance at the tax credit.

It's hard/impossible to put a price on having a kid.  You want to be able to say you'd pay any amount but that's just not always feasible.  Then the thought of that is frustrating and I want to reconsider ever purchase we've made in our entire marriage.  How we could have done things differently if we knew we'd need $25,000+ to have a second kid.  (And we're pretty frugal to begin with.)


I got a call back from one of the agencies while I was at work last week.  I had just gotten a new work space, a desk to myself and was listening to my own music for the first time ever there.  After I hung up and got an e-mail outlining the fees, the song "There is A Way" by NewWorldson happened to be playing, specifically this part:

There is a way, there is a spark
There is a hope that you can hold on to
There is a lifeline come to the rescue
Just like a hand that's waiting for you
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way

I don't think that was random, even though that's how I had my phone set to play music. 

I was recently talking with a friend who is considering adoption and she told me that if God put this desire in our hearts for another kid then somehow He's going to come through.  I really try to believe that and trust but it can be really stinking hard some days.  We've had some tough weeks lately and are really trying to figure out what is next.  We are still officially listed with two agencies and hopefully can find some more with a reasonable fee schedule.  Until then we wait and pray and wait.

(My next post will be something much less depressing...off to eat my second fudgesicle of the day...)

The interelated woes of my foot & adoption

Last week was a tough one. It's been 13+ months since we started the adoption process for our second child. 11 months since we were approved. 6 months officially listed.  As much as we may try to brace ourselves for a long wait, there is always the part of me that hopes we'll be the couple to get placed within weeks. It does happen, just not to us (apparently).

I've also started having foot and knee problems again, stuff that has been bothering me since after my first surgery.  I have cysts behind both knees, big enough that I can see them and very easily feel them.

Somehow, we always seem to be working on adoption stuff and foot things at the same time.  We found out I would be having my first surgery within days of our original intake that started the adoption process.  It was last May when we had our first physicals and fingerprints for adoption #2 as well as 4 appointments for my foot, one of those being the one where we found out about surgery #2.  We were listed with both our agencies shortly after my second time on crutches was over (and actually not too long after I started walking the first time too).  When I first had surgery and spent my recovering filling out adoption paperwork, I remember thinking that someday I'd have a healed foot and a baby and all that craziness would be behind us.  I ended up running for the first time post-surgery on, literally, the day Luke was born.  How weird is that??

Last week we had our fingerprints rescheduled (more than once) due to a machine problem, I had my annual physical (Matt's was this week), actually getting fingerprinted, and filling out our annual round of background checks. This is the 4th time we've done this fingerprint, physical, background check process, since our original ones expired right around the time we were being placed with Luke.  I also had two PT appointments, both of with Luke along.  In 10 days I will have had 7 doctor/PT visits. 


Most of it isn't a big deal but it feels like a lot to have on our plates at once.  The fingerprint place is in its 3rd location in 3 years (and this was the scariest yet). We have to get TB tests done and it's always a pain to go back and have those read. Doing a urine drug test isn't the most pleasant thing with a toddler in the same room.  There are fees with some of that (last year I got billed $40 for the 20 seconds it took a nurse to read my TB test when I could even tell I didn't have it) but we should get it all back with our next adoption credit, assuming we'll get a baby at some point. (Thank you, kind Americans!)  And Luke has gotten more comfortable hanging out at PT with me and he's no longer scared of the exercises I do at home. 

I keep telling myself that God's timing is best, I stare at evidence of that every single day (Luke, not a healed foot).  If things had gone "our" way Luke wouldn't be in our lives which is a very sobering thought.  I've never had to place such blind faith in God like I have the last 6 years.  Probably says something about how relatively easy my life has been but it's also been a really good lesson.

Last Thursday Luke and I left home before 8 to get fingerprinted, followed by 2 errands on our way to the doctor's for our physicals (Luke needs one too). Then 2 more stops before home at noon for a few hours (basically lunch and nap time) before before I had PT.  Since Matt went into work late so he could get fingerprinted we all ate breakfast together and I didn't read my morning devotional* until lunch.  It was the most perfect timing for how I had been feeling all week.

When I read that I felt a sudden calmness, as if an egg had been cracked on my head and was running down. We are doing what we need to do and have to leave the rest up to God. We pray many times a day for "next baby" and Luke has taken to talking about "Luke, mommy, daddy, baby".  But besides prayer and keeping our info current, there isn't much we can do besides wait and trust. Trust and wait.

Same with my foot.  I'm going to PT.  I'm doing my exercises at home.  I'm taking the pain meds.  I'm wearing a knee brace almost all my waking hours.   I'm doing what I can to finally walk like a normal person.

We're all given different struggles in life. I know this is all awfully petty compared to some. There's the old story about how you might complain about your cross but when you are given the option you realize yours is the smallest. God has always known and prepared us for this one. We don't understand it all now and maybe never will.  But it makes sense to Him and I'm learning to let that be enough. There are most definitely hard days and tough moments.  It would be nice to spread out the struggles a little, maybe.

Then there are also times I really think about what adding an infant will do to our schedule and routine...and I quickly realize I should enjoy just having one for now,  (Remembering all those nights of a screaming baby, the struggle to get Luke on a routine, working around two or three daily naps, AND having a toddler on top of that??).  We definitely still want more kids...it's just a good way to appreciate what we have now instead of focusing on what we don't. =)
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*Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, highly recommend it!